From Pema Chodron...words to live by.

"When we start to meditate or to work with any kind of spiritual discipline,we often think that somehow we're going to improve, which is a subtle aggression against who we really are. It's a bit like saying, "If I jog I'll be a much better person." "If I had a nicer house I'd be a better person." "If I could meditate and calm down I'd be a better person." Or the scenario may be that we find fault with others. We might say, "If it weren't for my husband I'd have a perfect marriage." "If it weren't for the fact that my boss and I can't get on, my job would be just great." And, "If it weren't for my mind, my meditation would be just excellent."
But loving-kindness ~maitri~ towards ourselves doesn't mean getting rid of anything. Maitri means that we can still be crazy, we can still be angry. We can still be timid or jealous or full of feelings of unworthiness. Meditation practice isn't about trying to throw ourselves away and become something better. It's about befriending who we are already."

from Comfortable With Uncertainty

A Simple Way to Help

A quote from a movie I saw "God's only requirement is that you let others know they are not alone." How simple. How profound. How easy. How difficult when we don't know it ourselves...how healing to know it ourselves, because we let others know.

Life Learning

When I was in graduate school, getting my PhD, I read a study that found that college students could be as beneficial to clients as could people with Masters and PhDs, no matter what type of field of therapy studied.  At first, I was pretty disheartened, even a little pissed-off.  After all, I was spending 10 years of my life gaining the wisdom to help others. 

Then I realized, it in not the theories, the techniques, or the letters behind my name that help others in their path through life;  It is the willingness to walk my own path, feel my own pain, and joy, that helps me sit with others.  I learned (and am learning) to be with myself, whatever I am experiencing, so I can be with others, so they are not alone. 

These wise words from Jeff Brown www.lifewithoutacentre.com reminded me of what I began to get a glimmer of in grad school.


BUDDHAS NEXT DOOR

Some of the greatest therapists and healers I've ever known have no diplomas, no qualifications, no letters after their names. They have written no books, and you won't find them being interviewed on TV chat shows. But they are so effortlessly compassionate, able to listen deeply without prejudice, willing to hold the most intense energies in their unshakeable presence. With their loving attention, the unacceptable can move into a space of acceptance, traumatic material can re-emerge without shame, the darkness can come into the light, be felt fully and integrated in a space of safety and kinship, without fear. They are as comfortable with silence as they are with the most heart-breaking personal stories. There is no sense of "I am the expert with all the answers", no image of themselves as the great saviours of mankind or enlightened gurus. These unknown, undiscovered Buddhas are the therapists and teachers of the future, humanity's hope, and they may not even know it. 

- Jeff Foster

The Deep Strength of Listening

Sitting with others when they are in pain, when there is nothing to be done except give them love, can sometimes feel overwhelming.  I am getting a deeper understanding of the strength it takes to hold one's center and allow another to feel, and know their self better.  Bless the parents, teachers, therapists, and friends who can hold this space.  It is a gift, and it is powerful. 

So much uncertainty...

I recently saw the post below on Facebook.  It was written by Melanya Helene from  www.thebrooklynbay.org.

Her words are powerful, and speak to why I do this work.

So much uncertainty...

"Sometimes life gives us more uncertainty than we feel we can handle. It takes a lot of confidence to keep going forward with our lives in the face of so much unknown.

I used to think of confidence as a knowing-what-to-do. The feeling that you can't go wrong and things will go your way...

I guess I'd like to feel that way. But more often I don't know what to do. It's hard to make decisions. I can see pretty clearly how things could go wrong and the very real possibility that I will not get what I want.

How do I move forward and not get stopped by doubt and fear?

I've been contemplating a different definition of confidence. Something like this:

Confidence in my own ability to meet whatever happens. Confidence in keeping my mind open and flexible and creative. Confidence that I can stay with difficult feelings and situations and emerge stronger and wiser.

The problem is that when I'm scared or feel thwarted - I lose this ability to stay open and curious. I get caught in protective mode and can only see a few options - and they are primal ones - push through, lash out, hide, get away...

When this happens (and it can happen surprisingly often when you start paying attention) you literally lose access to some really important parts of your brain (prefrontal cortex for starts). When fear triggers us, we lose the part of us that is flexible, creative, caring… and your options get very limited.

We live much of our lives trying to avoid situations that scare us. We will do almost anything to stay away from certain feelings of fear and shame - that feeling of no-good-option.
 

This limits our lives. There are many things we can't try, directions we can't explore, risks we can't take - if we have to stay away from certain intolerable feelings.

There is another way

When we gently get to know our fear and shame - not to push past it or shove it aside - but really get to know these feelings and care about them, we start to be far less run by them. They become known to us, like old friends, and we can bring them with us as we move forward in our lives.

We all have certain feelings that seem intolerable. And these feelings shape our lives. But what makes them intolerable is not so much the feelings themselves, but the experience of being alone with those feelings.

Because we have always been alone with certain feelings.

When we receive care in these untouchable places... when we have the experience that someone is with us - really there - while we feel what seems intolerable, it gives us an amazing resiliency.

This kind of support leads to a kind of confidence that you will be okay when things don't go 'well'.

It lets you take risks and live your life fully.

Pretty powerful stuff."
 

Warmly, Melanya

Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded; It is a covenant between equals.

From "The Tatooed Heart" by Gregory Boyle

This, for me, is what therapy, and life, are all about.


"Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment.

Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it. Because our true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance."

from Brene Brown, Daring Greatly