Being Real

A theme that has been coming up in my sessions lately has been about choosing to be authentically who we are versus being what we think others want us to be.

Last week a client told me something she has not told anyone else. In fact, it contradicted something she’d said earlier in the session.

I said “I’m so glad you told me.” She didn’t believe me. What she told me, she felt, put her in a less favorable light. Wouldn’t I rather hear what she was doing “right” rather than where she was “failing?”

I responded that I would rather know who is she really is versus who she thinks she should be. That is when the best therapeutic work is done. When clients are brave enough to show who they really are, I am thrilled.

First, it shows great courage to let others see us. It means we trust ourselves enough to know we will be ok, even if others disapprove. It is an act of faith in ourselves to be able to disappoint others in order to be true to ourselves.

Second, I believe we do our best work when we are able to see all of ourselves, and what we are capable of, good and bad.

I remember when I was struggling because I was really, really, really, letting myself face my fears and weaknesses. I call it my “dark night of the soul.” I was talking to a friend, and I was questioning if I was doing the right thing. I wasn’t happy, and I certainly wasn’t always happy with what I was seeing in myself. (That, by the way, is the understatement of the year.)

She told me something I will never forget. She said “You’ll get through this, but you already have a gift you didn’t have before.” I said “Really? What?” She said, “You are more real.”

She was right. I was more real, with myself and with everyone else. And the wonderfully strange thing was, even though I felt miserable with what I was going through, I also felt loved—loved by others and by myself. Loved for who I really am, not for who I thought I should be.

Curious Paradox

The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.

~Carl Rogers

If you have come here to help me, you are wasting your time...
but if you have come here because your liberation is bound with mine,
then let us work together.

~ anonymous Aboriginal woman

Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It is a conversation between equals.

~Gregory Boyle

"Strangely enough, when we are willing to accommodate the painful aspects of our life fully, and we actually begin to feel that we can handle them and we don’t resist them - that’s the moment when we feel the most joy."

~ Reggie Ray

Satisfaction and Humaness

I was on Facebook this morning and saw a post (below) by Pema Chodron. I've always loved what Pema has to say, because she is so darn human! She makes it OK to reach,to struggle, to have faults, to have fun. Most of all, she seems to teach acceptance of who we are, right now. I struggle with this notion, as a radical (and reforming) perfectionist. My clients struggle with this notion, almost everyone I know struggles with this notion.

I think I'll add a little gratitude in with that struggle.


Satisfaction

by Pema Chodron on Monday, September 19, 2011

Being satisfied with what we already have is a magical golden key to being alive in a full unrestricted, and inspired way. One of the major obstacles to what is traditionally called enlightenment is resentment, feeling cheated, holding a grudge about who you are, where you are, what you are. This is why we talk so much about making friends with ourselves, because for some reason or other, we don't feel that kind of satisfaction in a full and complete way.
Meditation is a process of lightening up, of trusting the basic goodness of what we have and who we are, and of realizing that any wisdom that exists, exists in what we already have. Our wisdom is all mixed up with what we call our neurosis. Our brilliance, our juiciness, our spiciness, is all mixed up with our craziness and our confusion and therefore it doesn't do any good to try to get rid of our so-called negative aspects, because in that process we also get rid of our basic wonderfulness. We can lead our life so as to become more awake to who we are and what we're doing rather than trying to improve or change or get rid of who we are or what we're doing. The key is to wake up, to become more alert, more inquisitive and curious about ourselves.

(Wisdom Of No Escape)

The Gifts of Imperfection

I just finished reading Brene Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. As I finished it, I vowed to read it at least once a year. Her message inspires me to take more risks and live more fully—to be very, very alive.

Read it…really.

Below is the paragraph with which she ends the book.

"Revolution might sound a little dramatic, but in this world, choosing authenticity and worthiness is an absolute act of resistance. Choosing to live and love with our whole hearts is an act of defiance. You're going to confuse, piss off, and terrify lots of people--including yourself. One minute you'll pray that the transformation stops, and the next minute you'll pray that it never ends. You'll also wonder how you can feel so brave and so afraid at the same time. At least that's how I feel most of the time...brave, afraid, and very, very alive."