Musings

2012-01-10T10:06:00.001-08:00

If you have come here to help me, you are wasting your time...
but if you have come here because your liberation is bound with mine,
then let us work together.

~ anonymous Aboriginal woman

2012-01-08T12:53:00.000-08:00

Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It is a conversation between equals.

~Gregory Boyle

2011-11-01T18:37:00.000-07:00

"Strangely enough, when we are willing to accommodate the painful aspects of our life fully, and we actually begin to feel that we can handle them and we don’t resist them - that’s the moment when we feel the most joy."

~ Reggie Ray

Satisfaction and Humaness

2011-09-19T10:16:00.000-07:00

I was on Facebook this morning and saw a post (below) by Pema Chodron. I've always loved what Pema has to say, because she is so darn human! She makes it OK to reach,to struggle, to have faults, to have fun. Most of all, she seems to teach acceptance of who we are, right now. I struggle with this notion, as a radical (and reforming) perfectionist. My clients struggle with this notion, almost everyone I know struggles with this notion.

I think I'll add a little gratitude in with that struggle.

Satisfaction

by Pema Chodron on Monday, September 19, 2011

Being satisfied with what we already have is a magical golden key to being alive in a full unrestricted, and inspired way. One of the major obstacles to what is traditionally called enlightenment is resentment, feeling cheated, holding a grudge about who you are, where you are, what you are. This is why we talk so much about making friends with ourselves, because for some reason or other, we don't feel that kind of satisfaction in a full and complete way.
Meditation is a process of lightening up, of trusting the basic goodness of what we have and who we are, and of realizing that any wisdom that exists, exists in what we already have. Our wisdom is all mixed up with what we call our neurosis. Our brilliance, our juiciness, our spiciness, is all mixed up with our craziness and our confusion and therefore it doesn't do any good to try to get rid of our so-called negative aspects, because in that process we also get rid of our basic wonderfulness. We can lead our life so as to become more awake to who we are and what we're doing rather than trying to improve or change or get rid of who we are or what we're doing. The key is to wake up, to become more alert, more inquisitive and curious about ourselves.

(Wisdom Of No Escape)

The Gifts of Imperfection

2011-06-19T12:19:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading Brene Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. As I finished it, I vowed to read it at least once a year. Her message inspires me to take more risks and live more fully—to be very, very alive.

Read it…really.

Below is the paragraph with which she ends the book.

"Revolution might sound a little dramatic, but in this world, choosing authenticity and worthiness is an absolute act of resistance. Choosing to live and love with our whole hearts is an act of defiance. You're going to confuse, piss off, and terrify lots of people--including yourself. One minute you'll pray that the transformation stops, and the next minute you'll pray that it never ends. You'll also wonder how you can feel so brave and so afraid at the same time. At least that's how I feel most of the time...brave, afraid, and very, very alive."

2011-05-27T19:58:00.001-07:00

"Maybe the new strength is understanding our weakness."

Radio Lab, NPR

2011-05-03T21:46:00.000-07:00

I let myself touch, again
an ancient grief
and feel the endlessness.

I let myself ponder,
it might not be.

How Bathroom Lines and Therapy are Related

2011-04-21T10:00:00.000-07:00

(I have to say, I love that title!)

I was at a conference a couple weeks ago. During the break, I and many other women stood in the line waiting for three stalls. Someone in the front of me remarked that three stalls in a conference center is not enough. I silently agreed.

The next day I was at the same conference and I went into the bathroom again. This time I saw six other stalls.

What? Was I in a different bathroom? Did they magically build the new stalls overnight?

No. What was different was there was no line, with everyone oriented toward just three stalls. (To be fair, the set-up of the bathroom was not optimal and it was not easy to see the other six stalls. Still…)

I realized it would have taken one person to see beyond the spell of “line blindness” and to say “Hey, there are six other stalls we can use.” The line would have moved much faster. We all would have benefited.

Part of my work with families and individuals is to help break the spell of “this is how life works” so they see new ways to view and react to situations. When one person breaks the spell and makes a change, it is lovely to watch that change ricochet through-out the family. (I’m not saying the change is always welcomed by the other members. In general, we are not happy with change, even if it is healthy.)

The bathroom line reminded me of how powerfully our view of reality is influenced by those around us. More importantly, it reminded me of how one person can create a change that can help many.

So there you have it, how bathroom lines and therapy are related. (I am still proud of that title.)

I am one of THOSE PEOPLE

2011-04-17T10:00:00.000-07:00

It all started with socks and Birkenstocks.

I admit it—I secretly laughed at those who did not have the sense to put a bag over their head for the shame of such a fashion faux pas as wearing socks with sandles.

One day I looked down at my feet and gasped—I had become one of *those people*. (As I write this I am wearing fuzzy purple socks with my Birks—good grief.)

I also frequently wear the same clothes, sometimes two days in a row. I used to pride myself on all the different combinations I could create. I could go months without direct repetition. I’ve also noticed that I eat more with my fingers, and with spoons. Spearing things with my fork seems like too much trouble sometimes.

I have more and less patience. I have more patience for mistakes made from innocence, or lack of knowledge, or ability. I have less patience for those who consciously choose to behave in a way I don’t think is right. (Apparently, I am not yet old enough to let go of the idea that I know what is best for all human-kind.)

For me, aging is as much about attitude as body changes. I’m quite happy with that belief; I can control my attitudes, but I’m not doing so well at stopping the aging process.

Two or three decades after I felt so sorry for those people who did not seem to care if others disapproved of them, I find I have become one of them.

So, as I walk down the street with my purple hat and Birks and socks, I can look at the young, hip people I see and think “someday, you just might look like me” and smile.

I just had a thought…if I feel this way at 49, how will I act and dress in another 20 years? It boggles my mind.

From my teabag

2011-04-13T10:00:00.000-07:00

“When ego is lost, limit is lost.
You become infinite, kind, beautiful.”

Well that sounds cool!

Little Moments of Joy

2011-04-10T16:19:00.000-07:00

I’m sitting here in the sun, on a sunny morning in Seattle, with a cup of tea, a bit of Theo’s chocolate, and my cat. A moment of pure joy.

Soon I will head back inside to finish a project that has consumed my week. But for now, I will revel in this moment.

Many of the clients I work with live lives of high stress, especially those who care for relatives with dementia, or who live with chronic health issues themselves. I cannot fix the diseases for them. I cannot change the reality of living with a disease.

What I can do is help them remember what is still meaningful in their lives and work with them to make the space for what is important. It is the small actions we take which help us feel a sense of control, when much of our life feels out of control.

I have a friend who was recently diagnosed with cancer. After a long meeting with her doctor she took herself out to a nice restaurant for a lovely meal. She was celebrating herself and her bravery.

When we gift ourselves with those little moments, the good feelings they create spread into the rest of our day, and our lives.

So now I head back inside, to sit in front of my computer. I take the feeling of my moments in the sun with me.

The Teeter-Totter of Love

2011-04-07T15:11:00.000-07:00

My friend asked me “How are you today?” I answered, “I’ve been sending myself a lot of love this week.” He responded “That makes me want to give you a hug.” I smiled…”That’s how it works, doesn’t it?” He laughed and said “Yes it is!”

Isn’t it funny that when we are feeling most needy for love, it is either fleeting or simply not there? And when we are feeling good and like ourselves, others respond in kind?

It seems like a cruel trick. I think it is brilliant.

Every time we yearn for another’s love, or affection, or approval, it is a signal from ourselves that we are not giving love to ourselves. How can we expect something external to fill what we cannot?

I’ve tried, believe you me. I have, and still am at times, learning this the hard way.

Love from others can certainly help. When someone I love gives me a compliment, or a hug, or pledges their undying love, I get a big boost, have no doubt about that. Yet I know that those boosts could disappear.

Depending on love from the outside is like a teeter-totter—if the other person bails, we come down hard on our butt, unless we have our feet underneath us.

Every time we give ourselves love, when we are happy with ourselves, and especially when we are disappointed in ourselves (especially then) we are building up the ground beneath our legs, or our legs, whichever metaphor you prefer.

It is then we can play the game of love with freedom. The game of our teeter-totter life is more fun because we can push ourselves higher—knowing we will still land—most of the time not on our butt.

How would it be?

2011-03-28T00:19:00.000-07:00

This music video gets at the heart of what being a therapist, and indeed, life, is all about for me. I am posting it in honor of my 49th birthday and how I choose to live life, continually asking the question--"How would it be?"

With deep gratitude,
Jane/BG

2011-03-23T10:00:00.000-07:00

"It began in mystery, and it will end in mystery, but what a savage and beautiful country lives in between."

~Diane Ackerman

The Gift of Grasping

2011-03-20T11:08:00.000-07:00

When a part of us wants to grasp onto love, that part is showing us we can love ourselves more.

My Heart Burst

2011-03-17T10:00:00.000-07:00

Today I just got to hold a little six week old bundle of love.

It feels odd to feel so full of gratitude to hold a child as I commence on my journey to write a book for women over 40 who did not have children. My friend (the new mom) took my picture as I snuggled my cheek against the head of her son. Her comment—“You look so maternal!” I felt maternal.

Odd again.

I found myself full of wonder at this little being and profoundly happy to be in his presence. And just yesterday I was feeling grateful that I could choose to take a nap instead of having to take care of kidlets. Literally, I was just thinking that thought the day before my heart burst.

Both/and.

Not even 24 hours after I was feeling so happy to have the freedom to make decisions based on my energy level rather than the needs of a child, I witnessed the gift of an open heart an infant brings. I felt like Kathy Perry’s video, where fireworks are coming out of her chest.

(I highly recommend watching this video, it brings a smile to my face every time.)

I found myself feeling almost guilty at how happy I was to hold the baby. How could I write a book about meaning beyond motherhood if I could go so ga-ga over a baby?

Luckily, I decided that thought was silly.

Life certainly is more interesting when we can hold the both/and instead of the either/or.

The Paradox of Grasping

2011-03-15T11:04:00.000-07:00

Grasp onto only what you want to fly away. Test this with any cat or teenager.

Content versus Happy

2011-03-12T20:00:00.000-08:00

I once had a boyfriend who told me “I’m happy, but I’m not content in this relationship.”

Huh? “Isn’t happy better than content?” I asked him. I forget what he said, but I didn’t understand it. We broke up. (Not, in case you are wondering, just because of that comment.)

Today, I finally got it. I’d had one of those days with both highs and lows in it. I realized I was content with the day. To me, “content” stems from an internal sense of balance. Whatever the world throws at me, I get to choose how to respond. “Happy” seems to be more externally or situationally driven. It can be more fleeting, depending on what is happening in my life.

Then it hit me…I’d rather be content than happy. I finally understand.

Thank you, Darrick, for planting that seed all those years ago.

Realization #1927

2011-03-09T23:22:00.000-08:00

The more tightly I try to hold onto something I believe is mine, the more fragile my possession becomes.

What I Learned from my Curling Iron

2011-03-09T09:00:00.000-08:00

Yep, my curling iron.

I recently bought a curling iron. I think the last time I used one was in college. I will spare you the details of how I made this momentous decision.

This morning, as I was happily transforming my hair from flat and slightly annoying to bouncy and fun, I realized that I was creating beauty through damaging my hair. I reflected on other ways we become more beautiful as a result of damage or pain. There are many.

Have you heard of the term “the wounded healer?” It basically refers to the wounds that are created through life, that later become the pathway to helping others heal from similar hurts.

Ask any good therapist about this.

I had a friend in grad school, Diane, who had a daughter with Cerebral Palsy. Diane declared she would not change her daughter even if she could. I must admit, I was surprised and asked her why. She told me her daughter had taught Diane and her family what was important and beautiful in life. A wounded healer.

There are others who lose a limb, or their vision, or some other precious thing, who end up living life more fully as a result. Think of the campaigns to end drunk driving, or find lost children, or raise money for cancer, that were started by people who faced painful losses. Most of us will not face losses so momentous, or create such wide-ranging works of goodness.

However, we each face our own hurts in life, small and large. It is our choice of whether to take the pain and use it to make us stronger and more beautiful. I know it helps me, when I am faced with a setback or a failure, to figure out how I can use the situation to become wiser, or something…anything to keep me from feeling sorry for myself. It helps me to live with less regret.

Geez, I wonder what thoughts I’d have if I had bought electric curlers instead…

Missed Opportunities

2011-03-06T08:00:00.000-08:00

In the past month, I learned that two people I greatly respect but don’t know very well, are moving out of town. Both of them I have wanted to get to know better, but I put off doing anything about it until I had more time.

Time’s up.

I am very good at putting things off. I was in graduate school for ten years. I honed putting things off until I had more time, more money, I graduated, etc., into a fine art. “Delayed gratification” became my middle name.

I have made great strides in breaking that pattern. The paperwork on my desk attests to that.

And two fine people moving out of town before I get a chance to know them, makes me realize I have some more striding to do.

I remember years ago when I was taking off in an airplane I thought “If I died today, what would I regret not doing?” It was getting in touch with a friend with whom I’d lost contact. That surprised me; I thought it would be about countries I hadn’t visited, or not having children, or something else really big. Calling an old friend is easy.

You can bet your boots I called her when I got home. (This was before cell phones became common.)

I invite you, dear reader, to look at where in your life you put things off that could enrich your life. They might be simpler than you think.

Living Outside Assumptions

2011-03-02T20:32:00.000-08:00

Most of the time I am totally fine not living the life of 2.5 kids, a husband, and a picket fence. But every once in awhile I get a bit peeved that people assume I have those things.

This time it occurred as I was answering security questions for my on-line banking. The majority of questions were about children and spouses. The problem is, I don’t have kids or a spouse. I was a bit stumped as to how I was going to choose five questions to answer unless I made up the answers.

That didn’t seem like a wise plan.

Luckily, as I scrolled down I could answer questions about my parents and grandparents, or where I was born. I was not doomed to a life without on-line banking.

A couple of years ago, a woman said to me “You have children right?” I said “no.” She smiled and replied “Well, it’s not too late.” I wish I would have had the presence of mind to answer “That statement assumes several things, none of which are true” then smile graciously.

The Gift of Wrinkles

2011-02-27T16:44:00.000-08:00

Today I realized I was furious that I am getting older. To be more precise, I was furious that my body shows the signs of getting older. I also realized I was jealous of younger women and of women my age who look younger than I look. Ick.

Those are not pleasant feelings, my friends. Yet I have them.

As I sat there, trying not to quash my feelings, but to simply hold them, a question came to my mind—“What do I do with these feelings?” I can’t act on them. What would I do, go around to all the women I perceive as more beautiful than I and tell them to stop their beauty? The mere thought makes me laugh. Besides, they are likely having the same feelings about other women. I can’t pretend I don’t have the feelings and the fear behind them. The farther I get into this work the more I see how futile that is.

The question remains, what do I do? Then came the answer.

I live.

I live knowing that this lifetime is not endless; my aging body shows me that. I live knowing how precious life is, because one day I will die. I live the absolute beauty of life.

I recognized all the signs of aging I hate—the thinning skin, the circles under my eyes, the graying hair, the various joint and muscles ailments—all are signs of my amazing life—the life with which I have already been gifted, and the life I have yet to explore.

Now, instead of looking at my wrinkles in disgust and fear, I have the choice to see them as reminders of my cherished life, and have my eyes, and heart, fill with gratitude.

Ok, I’m writing a book

2011-02-20T15:49:00.000-08:00

Those of you who don’t know me are probably not picking your jaw off the floor, as my friends likely are. After all, my motto in college was “writing is the bane of my life.”

Then I went on to get a Master’s (with a dissertation-length thesis.) Apparently, not yet having had enough of my bane, I pursued a PhD. I even published research articles after I got out of school, bitterly complaining about how much I don’t like to write the entire time I was doing all this writing. Just wacky.

So you may ask, “Jane, why then, are you writing a book?” That is a fabulous question!

Because I am excited about it. Because people keep saying “you should write a book.” Because the women in each group I run continue to inspire me with ideas. Because it is time to let more women know and benefit from the work I do.

So, periodically I will post blogs asking questions, soliciting stories, and checking out ideas. I may even gripe about my wacky decision to write a book.

Just giving you a heads-up, dear reader.

Judgment and Freedom

2011-02-18T15:37:00.000-08:00

The other day I found myself making judgments about others and about myself for having those judgments. I considered what it would be like to live without judgments.

I had no idea.

A little while later I was struck with this idea—if I no longer felt the need to judge anyone, including myself, I would be free. Free to simply live and make choices (and to live with the consequences of those choices).

Then I started to cry, and to laugh, at the enormity of that freedom. I am still a bit awed by the possibility.

Compassionate Choices

2011-02-16T15:34:00.000-08:00

I’ve been thinking a lot about what gives life meaning. For me, friendship and experiences help remind me of what is valuable.

Last week I introduced two (way cool) friends of mine, and we had a delightful conversation that covered a myriad of topics. Then I trotted over to a concert by Peter Himmelman http://www.peterhimmelman.com/home.html who I’ve been seeing in concert for at least 15 years. Every concert is different and, funnily enough, most of his songs are about what makes life meaningful.

I’ve been talking with some clients about the power we have to choose the focus of our thoughts. There are many things I would like to have in my life that are not currently part of it. I could absolutely focus on those, and see all I am missing.

I could also choose to focus on all the aspects of my life that make it rich. There are many, both big and small. Nights like the one I mentioned above make that choice effortless.

We always have the choice to see the good in any situation, even when it is not so easy. I think the trick is to understand we have the option. Just as important, though, is the ability to have compassion for ourselves when we don’t make the choice to see the positive.

Compassion, though, will make future choices a little bit easier, I promise.

The Blessing of not Being Chosen (just in time for Valentine’s Day)

2011-02-13T15:29:00.000-08:00

Life is rife with possibilities to not be chosen.

Rejection, maybe.

Opportunity, definitely.

Each time we are not chosen, we have the opportunity to choose ourselves.

A sure-fire way to know something brings joy and meaning to your life

2011-02-10T15:24:00.000-08:00

When you are so busy, you can barely see straight, and someone proposes something to you, and you immediately say “yes!” without a thought. (At least, without a thought before speaking…you may have many thoughts afterward.)

This happened to me the other day. A neighbor and I were chatting outside. She asked me if I was free for coffee on Friday. I responded “yes!” almost before she finished the question. Now, just half an hour earlier, I was thinking about everything I was going to get done Friday morning, and how it really wasn’t enough time. Yet I found myself willy-nilly giving away a precious hour or so of that time without a second thought.

Later, during my second thoughts, I asked myself, why I did that. I realized that to me, connecting with people is one of the most meaningful activities in my life. (Being a therapist is *such* a perfect job for me.) It is so much more fun than the paperwork I was planning.

Does this mean we should *always* say yes when offered something that brings us joy? I will leave that for you to answer. What I know, is that if I ever wonder if my life is meaningful, I have an interaction as simple as a cup of coffee with a friend to give me my answer.

On Gratitude and Fireballs

2011-02-10T14:33:00.000-08:00

I went to a talk on creative aging last spring. An audience member asked how the speakers how to cope with those “dark night of the soul” moments. One of the presenters gave a very simple answer—give thanks. More specifically, he said he starts each day with a practice of gratitude. When he wakes up, he tries to make his first thoughts ones of thanks for whatever the day will bring—a powerful practice.

Here is one reason why. When we are happy, we are more likely to remember happy memories. When we are depressed, sad memories are more easily accessible. That is how the brain works; memories are more easily accessible when we are in the same mental state as when the memories were created.

Starting the day with gratitude makes it easier to access thoughts of gratitude throughout the rest of the day.

On a related note, another presenter I recently saw, John Erdman http://www.ideal-companies.com, said he starts each day by jumping out of bed, putting his hands in the air, and shouting “I am a fireball!” It revs up his entire day.

I tried it. The first day was a pretty pathetic attempt. The second day was a bit less dismal. Now I have quite a bit of fun jumping out of bed.

You can try your own experiment. Start each day with thanks, with fireballs, or with both. See how your day progresses. If you try the experiment, let me know how it works.

2011-01-28T09:42:00.000-08:00

When you listen generously to people they can hear the truth in themselves, often for the first time. ~ Rachel Naomi Remen

Crying

2011-01-24T09:11:00.000-08:00

Crying is powerful. When we cry we release. We release our fears, our sorrow, our anger, our beliefs that hold us back.

I am in the uniquely wonderful position of witnessing the healing qualities of crying. So many of us are taught not to cry in front of others (or at all); we apologize and hide our face. We are afraid we are weak and look ugly when we express our pain. Who came up with that silly idea?

The idea that something so natural and cleansing looks unattractive and is weak is, simply put, wacky.

I say let’s embrace the grace and release that crying brings. If we could all cry to let go our emotions when we feel them, instead of stuffing them in and holding them in our body, we would be so much healthier and content.

So, the next time someone cries in front of you, consider thanking them for their bravery. Even better, next time you cry, thank yourself for your courage.

Chicken Soup for the Whole

2011-01-18T09:03:00.000-08:00

Wholeness. That's it. That is why I run my groups for women over 40 without children. I lead those groups as a pathway for women to see themselves as complete and whole.

Complete whether or not they have children. Complete whether or not they have partners. Complete whether or not they have jobs, friends, a house, a degree, whatever it is by which we judge our wholeness.

The 7th group for women over 40 with out children started yesterday, on the Martin Luther King Holiday. A couple of the women mentioned the freedom they have in their lives because they don't have children. They gave thanks for the freedom they have as women, freedom our foremothers didn't have.

To see ourselves as whole, regardless of our external or internal circumstances is freedom--perhaps the greatest freedom we can have.

2010-11-24T11:30:00.000-08:00

"The heart of authenticity is the courage to be vulnerable."

~Brene Brown

2010-11-10T14:33:00.000-08:00

"There is a peaceful relief when judgment and criticism are abandoned because they cause constant unconscious guilt as well as fear of retribution."

~David Hawkins

2010-10-12T05:38:00.000-07:00

"When we hold another in our memory as we knew them,
we stop ourselves from seeing them anew."

~Love Moore

2010-10-10T14:22:00.000-07:00

Peace begins with a smile

~from Michael Franti's t-shirt

“You’re weirder than I am!”

2010-10-10T14:10:00.001-07:00

“That is my job” I replied. I realized when my client made the weirdness comment, that my job is to be weirder than my clients. Let me put it another way—my job is to help people push the boundaries of what is “normal” for them.

“Normal” behaviors and thought patterns are no longer working for my clients, or they wouldn’t be in my office. I help them move out of their comfort zone, to find new ways of thinking, feeling and acting in the world. Which means I have to be able to push my limits of normal. (See the previous post.)

A therapist cannot take their clients where they are not comfortable going themselves. So I took my client’s comment today as great praise. Thank you!

My summer vacation (sort of)

2010-10-06T11:07:00.000-07:00

This summer was one of the most intense times I have ever experienced.

For me, one of the responsibilities of being a therapist is doing my own work of examining the beliefs and patterns that get in my way, so I can be clear with my clients’ issues. Well, this summer I went into it whole hog, as it were. This last weekend, in particular, reminded me of what it is sometimes like for my clients.

There are times when we see the thoughts and behaviors that we want to change in their full glory. We do the work to become acutely aware of how often we think and do the things that cause us pain—and we don’t yet have the tools or knowledge to make the changes we desire. It can feel overwhelming, to put it mildly. We can feel hopeless, weak and incompetent.

It is these times that I get most hopeful as a therapist because I see the absolute courage of my clients as they face what they have avoided. This is when change is most possible.

These are the times we need to know we are not alone and we are lovable, even with our imperfections at their most prominent.

This summer and last weekend, I was reminded of the fear, the hopelessness, and the need for connection and reassurance as we go through the process. I was also reminded of the strength of hope, and the power of moving through fear to get to the joy of change and self-compassion.

My clients who choose to see themselves in all their imperfections *and* perfections inspire me to continue my work with them and with myself. To you I give my gratitude.

Perfectionists can change too

2010-09-15T18:28:00.000-07:00

As I was going to sleep last night, I was reviewing in my head what I had said to a client earlier that day. I started to wonder if I chose the best tact, and then promptly thought “I did the best I could at the time.” I realized, in that moment, that thought is not unusual for me.

This realization made me sit straight up in bed. You see, for much of my life I second-guessed myself. I almost constantly mulled over past decisions, conversations, and actions, trying to figure out how I could have done better.

I am a perfectionist at heart. We perfectionists tend to be very hard on ourselves; “I did the best I could at the time” is not a phrase most perfectionists believe applies to them. So the fact that I realized I now frequently say that to myself, and believe it, came as quite a shock.

Almost every client who walks through my door is a perfectionist. They believe they can make themselves better by beating themselves up for thoughts or actions they deem less than perfect. (Let’s face it, that is almost everything.) I tell them they’ve come to the right place; I know what constant self-castigation feels like. I also know the great gift we can give ourselves, and others, by letting that belief in perfection go.

My latest "Truth"

2010-09-14T15:02:00.000-07:00

We are driven by our needs and beliefs.
It is useful to know what they are.

2010-09-12T10:38:00.000-07:00

My true religion, my simple faith is in love and compassion. There is no need for complicated philosophy, doctrine, or dogma. Our own heart, our own mind, is the temple. The doctrine is compassion. Love for others and respect for their rights and dignity, no matter who or what they are - these are ultimately all we need.

~Dalai Lama

2010-08-31T22:57:00.001-07:00

‎"The first and foremost thing is to be loving towards yourself. Don’t be hard; be soft. Care about yourself. Learn how to forgive yourself — again and again and again — seven times, seventy-seven times, seven hundred seventy-seven times. Learn how to forgive yourself. Don’t be hard; don’t be antagonistic towards yourself. Then you will flower." -Osho

2010-07-29T13:05:00.000-07:00

Emotion is the chief source of becoming conscious. There can be no transforming of darkness into light and of apathy into movement without emotion.

Carl Jung

Love Can’t be Measured

2010-06-16T10:05:00.000-07:00

It is all love.
If that is true
love can’t be measured

It is all love.
That gives me no basis
for insecurity

All that is left
is curiosity and wonder and
love

Space—the Elusive Frontier

2010-05-24T11:54:00.001-07:00

How many of you out there only slow down when you get sick? I know that is true for me. (Though I am still surprised when what I consider really busy people tell me they can't believe how busy I am.) I said I was bored once last year and I shocked myself. I don't think I've said that since I was in my 20's. We are talking decades.

Low and behold, I got sick for a week at the end of March. I read two books, watched 5 movies, and still had plenty of pondering time. I hadn’t written anything for this blog in over two months. My “Musings” blog consists of thoughts I quickly right down when inspired. I need space to be inspired, and I hadn’t been giving myself that space.

After sitting around for a week, I came up with about 5 topics, many of which I have already posted.

The experience reminded me of the power of giving ourselves time—time to ponder, to rest, to grief, to play. When I give myself that time, I am continually surprised by the benefits I reap.

When is enough, enough?

2010-05-13T09:36:00.000-07:00

My friend hit it on the head. “It is not about being ‘special’; it is about worth.”

How many of us desire to be special, whether it is through a partner, our friends, our job, our art, our possessions, or something else? When we want to be recognized as special, we are actually asking to be seen as worthy.

How many of us need ongoing reassurance of our worth? All the evidence we accumulated in the past is either not acknowledged, not seen as “true”, or forgotten…by us.

When is enough evidence enough?

It is enough when the “evidence” comes from our own self, rather than from others. How does that happen? I wish I had an easy answer. I know by pondering the questions, we create openings for our own answers. Answers that *will* be enough for us.

What happens if there is enough?

2010-05-03T16:40:00.000-07:00

What a radical concept.

Many of us unconsciously believe if another person has an abundance of love, money, friends…whatever, that means we won't have enough. How would our lives be different without that thought? Too often, when another person has what we feel we lack, we get envious, angry, or simply judgmental. We ask "Who are they to be so rewarded?" What we are really asking is, "Who am I to not be so rewarded?"

How would our lives be different if we rejoiced at another person's good fortune to have what we desire? That might be a path to knowing we are enough.

Talk about a radical concept...

2010-05-03T10:33:00.001-07:00

"The universe is change; our life is what our thoughts make it"
~Marcus Aurelius

Testing Reality—Theory vs. Facts

2010-04-20T12:57:00.000-07:00

How many of us test our view of reality? By the time we have reached adulthood, most of us have pretty firm ideas about how the world works. The problem is, often those beliefs are based on what we think is happening, based on past experience, rather than what is really happening.

I recently went to a discussion of inclusion and exclusion. Several people spoke of situations they felt left out. However, when they actually talked to the people they perceived to be excluding them, they discovered their assumptions were wrong. In other words, their theory did not fit the facts.

How many times do we do that? Almost always, I would wager. If we approach situations with an air of curiosity about what is really happening, we stand a chance of changing old theories that keep us stuck.

Reality is usually kinder than what we are telling ourselves (our theories.) When you think about it, if our thoughts in our heads are making us feel bad, the chances of the facts making us feel worse are amazingly slim. There is a much better chance that the facts are kinder than our theories.

When we are willing to test our theories against reality, we often find our risk is beautifully rewarded. In fact, I’m going to do that right now. Wish me luck!

Addendum--I am happy to report that, indeed, in the case above, my theory was wrong and the truth was kinder than my thoughts. Yea!

Great Expectations…not so Great

2010-04-14T17:35:00.000-07:00

Maybe Dickens had it wrong. Maybe expectations aren’t so great. Maybe…if we don’t have expectations, we can more easily see the gifts in our life.

Case in point…I recently held a party at my home. A friend told me he wasn’t feeling social, so he likely wouldn’t linger more than ½ an hour. As a result, I did not expect him to stay—but he did. Every once in awhile I saw him and exclaimed, with a big smile on my face “You’re still here!” Because I did not assume he would remain, I was delighted every moment I noted his presence.

Reflecting back on the experience, I realized every person’s attendance was a gift to me. Yet the friend who stood out, was the one I didn’t think would stay. So the next time I throw a party, I’ve decided to have the same delight for every person’s presence, no matter how short, or long, they gift me with their time.

2010-02-24T21:06:00.000-08:00

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying "I will try again tomorrow."

Mary Anne Radmacher-Hershey

2010-02-10T22:17:00.000-08:00

When I dance in the web of life
I wonder,
Does it matter where in the web I am?

2010-02-10T11:18:00.000-08:00

"The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another."

William James (1842-1910)

Shame, Shame, Shame

2010-01-30T11:41:00.000-08:00

I’ve been pondering how much we shame ourselves lately. Frankly, it’s pissing me off.

Shame is appropriate if we do something to purposefully hurt someone. The problem is, too many of us our shame ourselves willy-nilly. I was in a group earlier this week and some of the members expressed shame because they did not accomplish their goals. Why? They didn’t hurt anybody. None of the other members were damaged because they didn’t accomplish the tasks. I can understand disappointment; they didn’t keep their word to themselves. That is disappointing, but shameful? No.

We have taken the usefulness of shame and splattered it across our lives. Instead of using shame to prevent us from taking dishonorable action, we have elevated shame to everyday use. We essentially are saying to ourselves “Because I did not do (insert whatever here) I am a dishonorable person.” To put it simply, this keeps us small and stuck.

I’ve seen in my life, and the lives of my clients, how much more can be accomplished when we have compassion for ourselves. It is time to take the sledgehammer of shame out of daily use and put it back in its rightful place.

A Meaningful Life

2010-01-30T11:38:00.000-08:00

I’ve been pondering how to quickly explain the purpose of my groups for women over 40 who never had kids. I believe I have found it—to delve into the meaning of life without children, or more precisely, how do we make meaning of our lives as they are?

I’m reading “The Second Half of Life” by Angeles Arrien (a fabulous book so far!) In it I found the following quotation:

The Bushman storytellers talk about two kinds of hunger.
They say there is physical hunger, then what they call
the Great Hunger.
That is the hunger for meaning.
There is only one thing that is truly insufferable,
and that is a life without meaning.
There is nothing wrong with the search for happiness.
But there is something great—meaning—
which transfigures all.
When you have meaning you are content,
you belong.

Sir Laurens van der Post in the documentary “Hasten Slowly”

Women who end up without children can sometimes wonder where they belong. Having children usually engenders a sense of belonging and a purpose for life (though, to be fair, many parents yearn to create meaning beyond parenthood.) For people without kids, that meaning needs to be consciously created. The exercises, rituals, and conversations that take place in my groups are tools to help women go deeper into understanding who they are, and what they desire in order to live a meaningful life.

So, next time someone asks me what my groups are all about, I’m ready!

Endings & Possibilities

2010-01-30T11:37:00.001-08:00

Lately, there have been numerous “endings” in my life, and in the lives of those near to me. Many of those “endings” were break-ups of relationships.

I’ve noticed when a relationship ends, we tend to globalize its meaning. A single break-up confirms why all our other relationships didn’t work out, *and* it confirms that all our future partnerships will similarly “fail.” Our present grief infuses our past and our future. Frankly, that is a lot to place on one event. It is no wonder break-ups are so miserable!

I wonder how our lives would be different if we chose to keep the scope of an event to *that event.* What if, instead of seeing misery extended through-out our life, we would salve our hurt, learn our lessons, and let go?

I’m not proposing that we experience no pain, or hurt, or loss. Frankly, that would be silly; those feelings are natural responses to an ending. What I am proposing is to fully feel our grief, and to take advantage of that moment of vulnerability to go deeper inside ourselves, to find the learning--and the possibilities--that end began.

Death & Girl Scout Cookies

2010-01-30T11:34:00.000-08:00

Apparently, endings, and the aliveness that death brings us, are on my mind.

I was talking with a friend who is over 50. He commented on the poignancy he experiences because, now that he sees death is on the horizon, life feels more precious. People, experiences, and nature are all more beautiful because they are no longer perceived as there forever.

Yet another strange gift of death (see last week's post).

Which brings me to Girl Scout cookies. (Stay with me here.) Girl Scout cookies are available only once a year. I will do everything in my power to corral a Girl Scout so I can get my Thin Mints and Do-si-do's each spring. Because I know the time to procure them is finite, those cookies are precious.

When we know something is ending, we more fully appreciate it. When my attention is focused on gratitude for something, I am more alive. The possibility of death, then, makes me more alive. A strange gift indeed.

The Strange Gift of Death

2010-01-30T11:30:00.000-08:00

A dear family member is dying. I am calling her frequently and flying out to see her. And I am missing her. I'm already anticipating grieving her after her death. I am making sure I have left nothing unsaid and unsettled between us.

There is the strange gift of death.

We don't have forever in this life; by being born, we sign up to die. When we are conscious of this, we tend to get our proverbial butts in gear to accomplish what is important to us, whether that is to open up to love, travel to Australia, find meaningful work, make contact with that long-lost friend, or simply say goodbye to those we love.

When I make goals that are meaningful to me a focus of my life, my heart is more at ease. I have peace, knowing that I am making progress on (or have completed!) what is truly important to me.

If I had a gazillion years in this life, I *might* watch more t.v. Because I likely don't have more than 100 years, I chose to risk, and to live. Do me a favor, remind me of that next time you catch me watching reruns of "I Love Lucy."

Grief & Freedom

2010-01-30T11:18:00.000-08:00

Not having children does not have to mean unending grief.

I received a phone call from a woman in another state. She will likely never birth a child of her own, and she called because I was the only person she found on the web who expressed a hopeful view of life without children of one’s own. She had read story after story of women who constantly grieve their childless life. She wanted assurance that there is another way to live. There is.

I shared with her my own story. I left a wonderful relationship at the age of 40 because I knew I needed to try to find a partner with whom I could have children. I knew it was a gamble at my age (I have been known to take risks…). At 44, I realized my chances were waning and I decided to let go of that dream. I went through a ritual, grieved intensely for awhile, and bought myself some beautiful jewelry to symbolize the shift in my life plans. I felt a weight drop off my psyche, and I felt a new freedom to move forward with my life.

I still have tinges of regret sometimes. Overall, though, I am content with my life, and I appreciate the freedom my life gives me.

Every woman deals with her loss of dreams differently. In the groups I have the privilege to run, I see women who are coping in many different ways. What they all have in common is their determination to move through life as consciously and gracefully as they are able. They inspire me with their courage.

So yes, there is a way other than unending grief. There are many ways of courage, strength, hope, and freedom.

It's Not About Me

2010-01-30T11:15:00.000-08:00

“It’s a good thing we aren’t dating huh?”

He was right.

My friend asked me to call him to make sure he was awake to pick me up for a 6 a.m. trip to the airport. He wasn’t…and his phone was turned off. I was nervous, but not angry. My energy went into problem-solving mode to make sure I didn’t miss my flight.

If we were dating I might have been angry—angry because he obviously didn’t care enough to make sure he would be awake. He didn’t care enough not to make a mistake. Because he is a friend and not a partner, I could see the situation for what it was—He forgot to leave his phone on—simply that. It was not about me. His mistake did not reflect our depth of friendship.

I realized after hearing him say “It’s a good thing we aren’t dating huh?” how much we can make others’ actions a reflection of us. I also realized how much happier I am when I take people's actions and words at face value. They are acting according to their desires. I get to decide if I like the actions, but I don’t get to decide the motivation behind their actions. (I have plenty on my hands analyzing my own actions!)

So when I get perturbed or flummoxed about something someone else says or does, I repeat “It’s not about me.” That simple phrase gives me peace of mind.

Oh, the airport ride? He picked me up at 6 a.m. on the dot.

It is Time

2010-01-30T11:12:00.000-08:00

Last week the third group for women over 40 who never had kids was completed. Each time this series ends, I leave my office with a sense of gratitude and a sense of loss.

I am grateful for the women who chose to participate, and the bravery it takes to make the decision to take part. I am awed by the creativity with which these women chose to live their lives; and I am heartened by the hope they have for their future, even when they hold grief, or confusion, or anger.

I also feel a sense of loss because I look forward to seeing them every week and hearing about their lives. Though the sessions, a container is created in which women share and bond. A connection is made, and then we disperse.

So I've made up my mind.

It is time to do what I've desired since the first group ended. I will now offer monthly drop-in groups for women over 40 who never had kids—to gather, share, and connect. It is open to women who have taken part in my groups, and to women who haven’t but are curious.

Meeting Triggers

2010-01-30T11:10:00.000-08:00

I had an exhausting weekend working with triggers.

Do you ever respond to something that, on the surface, seems relatively minor, yet your response is immediate and intense? Further, your response is not how you would like to respond, given a choice? That is how you know you have met a trigger.

I just spent my entire weekend training in Lifespan Integration with Peggy Pace. It was intense. The basic concept is that when we have experiences that are traumatizing to us in some way, our self at that age becomes a part of us that is not integrated. That part continues to vigilantly watch out for similar situations, a.k.a. triggers, so we can protect ourselves. The problem is we protect ourselves from the perspective of our age during the original incident, rather than the mature adult we have become.

Lifespan Integration is about letting go of those triggers. I can't explain how it works in this blog--I just spent two whole days learning it--but suffice to say it is powerful.

I can tell you one thing that was reinforced this weekend. The presence and confidence of a therapist is central. The therapist's role is to convey "there is a new way--and I am here to shine the light to help you find that new way." My work is to not only inspire hope in my clients that change is possible, but to truly know that change can, and will, come.

That, is powerful work.

Groups are wonderful things to leave

2010-01-30T11:09:00.000-08:00

Let me tell you why I say that.

Today I "processed" out of a group for women who are business owners (run by Mikelann Valterra http://www.womenearning.com/). I have been part of the group for almost three years. I have received many gifts from taking part in that group of women. I am sad to leave, and it is time.

One of the reasons I started my groups for women over 40 who never had kids was because of the power of Mikelann's group. Being in a community of women with whom I can share my fears, struggles, enthusiasm, and successes is powerful.

Many of my clients feel they are alone in their struggles. Groups help us see there are kindred souls sharing our journey through this magical, and sometimes mystifying life.

So why do I say groups are wonderful things to leave?

Two reasons--First, in the conscious process of deciding to leave, we realize how much we have learned over the time of our participation. We come to see the value of our time, effort, and energy. Second, we can hear how others in the group see us. Most of the time we walk around blithely ignorant of our effect on those around us. It is when we leave that we find out. (If I had my way, that would be different.)

So, I will continue to participate in and, when the time is right, leave the wonderful supportive, and life-giving culture of groups.

“You could make your name in Swelled Head Therapy.”

2010-01-30T11:06:00.000-08:00

My response—“I would *love* that!”

My client and I were talking about the propensity for parents to tell their kids “don’t get a swelled head”. Many of us in this society grew up believing that being proud of ourselves was a bad thing.

How do you respond when you get a compliment? Do you try to brush it off—“Oh, it’s nothing” or “I had a lot of help”, or do you say “thank you” and really mean it?

The other day a couple of colleagues told me they were impressed that I’d turned something in two weeks ahead of time. My response was “Thank you! I’m impressed with myself too!” We all laughed.

One of my goals in therapy is to help my clients have more compassion for their inevitable human mistakes, and to put it bluntly, celebrate themselves.

The problems with boasting come when we brag because we don’t understand our worth, and we try to convince others of what we don’t believe ourselves. That gets annoying.

When we truly value ourselves and we share that enthusiasm with others, people tend to celebrate with us, and everyone feels happier.

Let’s celebrate our swelled heads!

Inner Knowing

2010-01-30T11:01:00.000-08:00

I was recently listening to a speaker who asked us what we would share, if we knew we had one minute to live. What is the most important thing we know? I realized I would tell people to listen to yourself for your answers. As long as we look to others for answers, for our sense of worth, we will always be off balance.

I spent much of my life believing others knew what was best for me. I remember a watershed moment, about 10 years ago, when I first questioned that belief. I was on Edisto Island, in South Carolina, with four dear friends from college years. Several of them were offering me advice on how to get a relationship, or have children, or something along those lines. I realized they were offering me their answers. I also realized they did not know what was best for me. That was the first time I consciously held that knowledge.

Since then my trust in my own knowing has continued to grow. I still have times of confusion, and times when I ask others their opinion, but I no longer believe they know me better than I know myself. Their thoughts can spark new ideas, or point out something I had forgotten, but they cannot give me my answers.

With that knowing I have come more into my own sovereignty—and my friends no longer are burdened by figuring out what I need to do.

Poems and Quotes that Inspire Me

2010-01-30T10:49:00.000-08:00

"The effect of one good-hearted person is incalculable."

Oscar Arias

He who binds to himself a Joy,
Does the winged life destroy;
He who kisses the Joy as it flies,
Lives in Eternity's sunrise.

William Blake

"We are fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance."

Japanese Proverb

What is this group magic…

The humility to be real in front of others

when we speak, we speak for many...

when we hear, we hear for many...

Jennifer Wells

"When death finds you, let if find you alive."

African Proverb

"He who knows others is clever;
He who knows himself has discernment."

Lao-Tzu (604-531 B.C.)

Grief and Transcendence

There is magic
in sitting in the wild, raging,
ravishing stillness of grief.

BG

"When you try to control the outcome, you lose the potential for wonderment."

Gerry Gramek

I catch
the maple leaf
then let it go.

John Wills

"Wellness is not about health--It is about attitude."

Bernie Segal

"One does not discover new lands without consenting
to lose sight of the shore for a very long time."

Andre Gide

Thirst

The uses of Sorrow
(In my sleep I dreamed this)
Someone I loved once gave me
a box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand
that this too was a gift.

Mary Oliver